Facing The Monster…Together

Jessica and Tory have two kids and very demanding jobs. Jessica is tired of taking on the brunt of the household labor. She is the one who drives the kids around to soccer practice and piano lessons, does the laundry, and plans the meals. She’s just about had it.

In therapy, Jessica pleads with Tory to step up and take on more responsibility. She feels tired and alone. Tory feels awful about not helping out more. He loves Jessica more than anything in the world and wants her to be happy.

Desperately, Jessica says to Tory, “Can’t you just sweep the porch this weekend? Or go grocery shopping? It’s just not fair that I have to do everything.”  After a long silence, Tory replies, “Honestly, I don’t know if I can. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can barely get through the day.”

Jessica thinks Tory is just making excuses, but I start to sense what’s happening. Tory is suffering from depression. As I inquire more, I learn that Tory isn’t finding any joy in life. He feels worthless and alone. Sometimes, he even wishes he wasn’t alive anymore.

Mental illness can have a profound impact on the health of a relationship, particularly if left untreated or undiagnosed. Like Jessica and Tory, when one partner is depressed, the other partner often believes their spouse to just be lazy and irresponsible. Someone in Jessica’s position often becomes exasperated, bitter, and critical. The depressed partner, who already feels worthless (which is a symptom of the disease), now feels even worse. They may internalize their shame and become increasingly isolated. They may lash out at their partner for not understanding them. The couple becomes stuck in a dynamic that leads to isolation, resentment, and even contempt.

So what is to be done?

The trick is to be mad at the depression–not at your partner and not at yourself. No matter the particular disorder or disease, externalizing the problem allows us to see it objectively and to take action. Externalization is a therapeutic technique that helps reduce feelings of shame. The intervention originally came from a modality called Narrative Therapy, in which clients learn to rewrite their stories. Instead of saying, “I’m depressed,” we learn to say, “I’m suffering from depression.” Instead of saying, “I’m worthless,” we learn to say, “The depression is telling me I’m worthless.”

When you and your partner get mad at the depression rather than at each other, you are working as a team to treat it. Imagine a hairy, blue monster that follows your partner around all day. When your partner wakes up, the monster sits on his legs so he can barely move. When your partner opens his laptop to write an email, the monster moves his hands away from the keyboard and whispers,” What’s the point of doing any work? You’ll always be a failure.”

In individual therapy, the client’s job is to confront the monster. In couples therapy, the job is the same, but this time, the client is not alone. The client and his partner are now a legion of two. Working as a team, they can research the symptoms of depression. They can find individual counselors and a couples therapist. (It is essential for both partners to seek help.) They can make an appointment with their primary care provider to discuss medication options. They can read books on the topic. For example, JoEllen Notte does a great job of teaching couples how to deal with depression in her book, “In it Together.” (If you don’t want to read the whole thing, just check out Chapter 6.)

Above all else, don’t keep it inside. Research tells us that shame is one of the primary reasons that people who suffer from depression and anxiety don’t reach out for help. Brene Brown, a researcher known for her work on shame, tells us that shame thrives on silence and secrecy. She wisely says, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” At the Northampton Center for Couples Therapy, we take this a step further. Not only do we listen with empathy and understanding, we show you and your partner(s) how pain can bring you closer together, not drive you farther apart.

If you think you might be dealing with depression, believe yourself. If your partner tells you they feel depressed, believe them. It’s tempting to shrug off depression symptoms and to see yourself or your partner as selfish. While depression is by no means an excuse to get out of chores, getting diagnosed can go a long way toward becoming a more fulfilled person and a more supportive partner.

Don’t suffer in silence. Let’s face the monster. Together.