But what is the cost to our most intimate relationships? And if the result of constant screen use leaves us feeling distracted and unable to enjoy the company of those we love, is it taking more from us than it is giving?
Experiencing burnout myself, several months ago, I took a month off from technology to attend an artist residency. I was looking for a place to rest, to pause the endless stream of news, podcasts, texting, emailing, and zooming. I felt deeply exhausted and was having trouble focusing. I had the sense that there was always something else I should be doing; whatever I was doing at any given moment was somehow not satisfying. I felt flat and wasn’t enjoying what normally gave me pleasure: being with loved ones, walking, making art, and reading. Life felt like one long to-do list.
Within the first 24 hours, I was asked to turn in my phone. At first, I could feel the sharp stab of withdrawal when I found myself automatically reaching for an absent phone, like a ghost limb, particularly when a difficult emotion arose. But then something interesting happened. After a few days of what may have been dopamine withdrawal, I found myself reborn. For the first time in years, I was able to focus again. I read books from start to finish. I was able to take long walks without any other distractions, such as listening to podcasts, I spent hours long stretches reading or working and felt healthier, sleeping better than I had in years.
It was a revelation.
Designed to deliver dopamine hits to the brain, the sounds, colors, and intermittent pings and thrums of our smartphones keep us constantly “checking” and interrupt both our focus and our connection to others throughout the day. We become entranced by them because we are up against some pretty sophisticated engineering whose sole objective is to keep us hooked, keep us scrolling and clicking. Dopamine hits are the reward, but as the dopamine system gets desensitized, it ceases to be satisfying, yet keeps us grasping for more. We are now trapped in the tyranny of craving.
Sadly, we may turn away from those we love because, let’s face it, people are more complicated than screens. But we also turn away from the good stuff, too.
There is another chemical that is more about connection than about reward, however: oxytocin. Known as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is also what bonds parents to children and involves physical touch, which can be as simple as holding hands or hugging. Both dopamine and oxytocin are neurotransmitters in the brain that drive behavior. But oxytocin is unique in that it bonds us and relates us to others; it’s released through both sexual and nonsexual physical touch, and it lowers stress and anxiety. We need it to feel a sense of trust and well-being.
If you have experienced feeling shut out from your partner due to screen use, or if you have been accused of shutting those you love out, then you are among the millions of people whose relationships suffer from the attentional pull of devices.
When we give over our attention to the easy distraction of screens (which is literally neverending!), we remove ourselves from the present moment, from our bodies, and from any real connection with others. We remove ourselves from our actual lives, the concrete things we can see and feel. We lose the ability to look into another’s eyes and experience up close the range of human emotions: joy, pain, anger, and love. We become dulled to our actual, lived human experience.
Overuse of our screens leads to myriad forms of disconnection, including:
- Less face-to-face interactions and physical touch
- Competing with technology for attention from your partner
- Interruptions while being intimate or talking
- Increased anxiety and stress from overuse of technology (doom-scrolling, social media comparison, not being able to turn off work)
- Withdrawing from intimacy due to digital addictions such as porn, social media, online shopping, gambling, or gaming
- Increase misunderstandings and arguments from minimal eye contact and an absence of nonverbal cues (essential for connection)
Unfortunately, overuse of screens is like any other addiction; what begins as short-term relief turns into the actual source of our anxiety. As a human living in the 21st century, you probably experience some form of this affliction.
Here are some ways that we can turn down the grip of screens and actively choose real-life connection:
- As a couple, set boundaries around screen use; choose times and places that are digital-free, such as meal times, leaving phones out of the bedroom, or when having important conversations.
- Implement a digital detox with your partner—if possible, choose one day a week to be away from technology. Planning those days around other activities, such as being in nature, playing board games, date night or cooking together.
- Use smartphone hacks such as setting your phone to grayscale (which decreases dopamine hits), deleting apps from the phone, or turning off all notifications. There are also helpful apps like ScreenZen that can be customized to restrict screen time.
And if screen use has driven a major wedge between you and your partner, it may be time to seek help in the form of couples therapy. There may be other issues that underlie the disconnect. Chronically turning away by going to social media or porn or just watching too many YouTube videos can be habitual ways to avoid uncomfortable emotions, or they may be symptoms of a relationship that needs serious repair.
One definition of intimacy is having a shared reality. Having a shared reality requires our embodied presence and turning our attention towards each other. The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “You become what you give your attention to.” While he likely didn’t suffer from smartphone addiction, he had a mind and a body, and he paid attention. Awareness of what is at stake—our very lives—is the first step.
![The Burden of [Not] Being a Burden](https://www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/The-Burden-of-Not-Being-a-Burden-1-1.jpg){kind=small}
