Being Grateful for the Tough Stuff

Communication fumbles can offer more than one lesson on gratitude

Countless advertisements, articles, and social media posts will ask us to reflect on the material (and immaterial) aspects of our lives—to appreciate basic (albeit taken for granted) necessities such as shelter, warmth, healthy food, and family (whether biological or chosen) with whom we share mutual respect, love, and trust. We might also reflect on our achievements and those of our loved ones: the purchasing of a home, starting a new job, running our first 5k, etc., and the resources (financial, physical, emotional) that have made these opportunities possible.

When we compile these gratitude lists, our partners likely fall somewhere within the mix. The simple gift of companionship—having someone to navigate life’s stressors, joys, and endless responsibilities—is certainly worth appreciating, not to mention the qualities that fuel this connection.

Yet, when we think of all there is to appreciate in our relationships, communication often gets overlooked.  Do you feel comfortable sharing the tough stuff with your partner alongside the joyful moments?  When you lose patience with the kids or have a tense phone call with your mother, do you turn to your partner for support? When you feel angry that the dishes aren’t done or disappointed that a date night is canceled, does your partner listen to your feelings and validate your experience? Or, instead, do you struggle with feeling gunshy, hesitant, or burnt out?

In other words, when contemplating your gratitude list, does ‘how we communicate’ make the cut? 

We would all like to respond with a resounding ‘yes!’ to this question, and surely, some of us can. Realistically, though, many of us, to no fault of our own, lack the skills necessary to navigate conflict without the insidious and recurrent interference of what John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

The appearance of these horsemen (whichever of the four most resonates) is not futile; it is protective. An avenue through which to offload uncomfortable feelings (criticism and contempt), fend off emotional threats (defensiveness), or disengage from an emotionally overwhelming situation (stonewalling). The irony, however, is that while these communication tactics may give us a sense of control, protection, and even satisfaction in the moment, they destabilize the emotional security net of our relationship in the long-term.  They fray our connection with each unrepaired argument until, eventually, the net gives way entirely.

The holidays can leave us especially vulnerable to the four horsemen. The stress of planning where and with whom to spend time, accompanied by family members’ expectations and the pressures of hosting and gift-giving, can understandably put our relationships on edge.

And yet, quality time with in-laws can teach us a lot about our partner’s communication style.  Imagine that over Thanksgiving dinner, our partner’s family gets into a heated disagreement about the presidential election. The tension culminates in Dad yelling and Mom storming out of the room, refusing to engage with anyone for several hours. This dynamic can illuminate why our partner may default to stonewalling as a protective mechanism when conflict arises.

This understanding, and the ability to discuss it with our partner openly, can increase space in our relationship for emotional risk-taking. For example, those who grew up in households where emotions were stuffed down and avoided may need additional practice sharing difficult feelings with their partners. Likewise, those of us whose home environments were characterized by defensiveness and anger may need to give extra attention to taking a break or a deep breath, and exploring how our partners can support us.

When we feel mutuality and commitment, when we feel listened to and heard, gratitude grows. Communication fumbles are no longer threatening to our relationship’s security net. They are merely part of our being human: expected and readily repaired. 

However, communication fumbles can offer more than just one lesson on gratitude. When our daily interactions with our partners are riddled with criticism and defensiveness, and there is no clear pathway out of this harmful cycle, we learn something about our needs. We have the opportunity to turn inward, to reflect on our sensitivities, the ways we articulate joy, hurt, or anger, and our expectations of how our partner will respond. We become more aware of sensations associated with emotional and physical connection and those leading to loneliness.  We become our own best advocates. Whether this means redoubling our efforts to strengthen our partnership or finding the clarity to let it go, we can choose to appreciate the self-wisdom presented through these challenges.

Whatever the trajectory of our relationship, discovering how to shift ingrained communication habits is often where we become overwhelmed. This is where a seasoned couples therapist can help: by providing a (structured) space for you and your partner to reflect and practice strategies for more effective communication, including antidotes to the Four Horsemen and language to assist with compromise, repair attempts, and gridlocked issues.

In addition to these strategies, a couples therapist can acknowledge moments of vulnerability and successful attunement—the communication wins experienced in all relationships that often get overlooked by those areas we’re still working on.

In other words, a therapist can support your relationship in not only navigating issues but strengthening appreciation as well. 

To prioritize effective communication in our relationships, we must nurture the parts of ourselves and each other that are still scared and searching for safety.  If you struggle to express your needs and emotions or understand your partner’s, CONTACT US. We will meet you where you’re at, on your timeline, whether this means weekly sessions or a two-day intensive retreat, because we all deserve communication to be at the top of our relationship gratitude lists this year and every year.