Politics, Pawns, and Perpetual Problems.

In our current political climate, many couples struggle to discuss differing opinions. Estimates from several sources suggest that approximately 25% of couples have substantially different political ideologies. Some couples struggle to have a conversation about politics without resorting to personal attacks. Others feel sad and lonely, lamenting that they can’t connect about something so crucial.

While political differences are not always reconcilable, they can be navigated.

By observing thousands of couples over extended periods, prominent relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman found that the vast majority of couples’ conflicts are actually unsolvable (approximately 69%). Gottman refers to these as “perpetual problems.” These are problems that have no obvious solution and persist throughout the course of a relationship.

Trying to solve an inherently unsolvable problem is like playing the violin with boxing gloves. It’s just not possible. Figuring out where you want to go on vacation or how to place cups in the dishwasher, these are solvable problems. Disagreements about topics like child-rearing, finances, or politics usually fall into the category of perpetual problems. When it comes to these issues, the key is shifting the goalpost. If you want to convince your partner that your political beliefs are “right,” you will surely fail. However, if your aim is to remain close despite these differences, you have a much better shot.

Here are some strategies that you can use to stay connected in the face of conflicting beliefs:

1-Set Boundaries

In her research on couples navigating political differences, Communication Studies professor Emily Van Duyn found that topic avoidance can be a helpful tool. Some couples decide that they simply will not talk about political issues with each other at all. Others limit political conversations to specific times or settings. (E.g., only talking politics on Sundays for 30 minutes over coffee.) You’ll likely need to find an outlet outside your relationship to make this approach sustainable. Try talking to friends whose values and perspectives align with yours. If this doesn’t feel sufficient, there are almost always activist groups in your community that will welcome you with open arms.

2-Find Common Ground

You and your partner can almost certainly find areas of agreement. For example, maybe you have different opinions on social issues, but you’re aligned on fiscal matters, so you focus on the latter and avoid the former. Try limiting political conversations to areas where your opinions overlap. This will help keep you and your partner feeling connected even if you’re at odds on other matters.

3-Focus on Shared Meaning 

John and Julie Gottman also found that couples who thrive have a sense of common purpose and feel united in other important respects, like achieving financial stability, creating a peaceful home, or spending time in nature. If you and your partner have different goals regarding political involvement, consider exploring other areas where your perspectives converge.

4-Search for Underlying Dreams

Plenty of couples disagree on core issues like child-rearing, household responsibilities, and financial decisions. Some partners find this discord unsettling because they worry about what it means that they disagree. One might think, “If my partner doesn’t believe he should do domestic chores, does he respect me?” “If she always questions my parenting decisions, does she think I’m a bad father?” “If they voted for that candidate, are they a good person?”

According to the Gottmans, beneath most conflicts lie dreams waiting to be revealed. For example, the partner who insists on more frugal spending habits might not think her partner is spoiled, but may dream of the happy retirement that her hard-working parents never had. If we have the narrative wrong, we might be jumping to false conclusions that threaten the well-being of our relationship.

5-Attempt Productive Dialogue

For many, politics is tied to one’s moral philosophy, worldview, identity, and core values. In these cases, one feels they cannot remain connected without at least feeling somewhat understood. If you fall into this category, you will need to commit to a process of continuous dialogue. The only way for this dialogue to be successful is to continue holding our partner in high esteem, even when we feel their beliefs are antithetical to our own. Anatol Rapoport, a renowned peace researcher, was recognized for emphasizing humanity’s role in complex diplomatic negotiations. He famously said, “One cannot play chess if one becomes aware of the pieces as living souls and of the fact that [both sides] have more in common with each other than with the players. Suddenly, one loses all interest in who will be champion.” 

If, during a heated disagreement, I start to see my partner as a plastic bishop or rook, my goal will be to knock her off the board. However, if I can continue to hold her in my mind as a complex human being, I’m inclined to put away the chessboard in favor of a puzzle.

To assist with this process, one of our favorite interventions at NCCT is called the Gottman-Rapoport exercise. Couples researcher John Gottman read some of Rapoport’s work and asked if he could borrow a few ideas to use with couples. The result is an exercise that helps people understand each other’s perspectives productively. If you’d like, give it a whirl. If you try this at home and find yourselves hurling chess pieces at each other, put down the pawn and give us a call.

6-Work Toward Acceptance

Discovering that you and your partner are misaligned in a significant way can be very upsetting. Most of us dream of falling in love with someone who shares our dreams and values. Unfortunately, compatibility is not possible in all realms. If no matter what you do, you and your partner cannot get on the same page, you must begin to accept this reality. For those whose sense of identity and purpose is closely linked to politics, acceptance may mean mourning the partner we thought we had—or the relationship we thought we knew. However, that does not mean the relationship is not strong and healthy, or that the partners cannot thrive or experience intimacy. It just means you may have to make an adjustment, significant though it may be, from your earlier vision or concept of the relationship.

Navigating political differences in relationships has always been a hot topic, but clinicians are now finding this to be the case more than ever. If you feel that you are out of options or would be more comfortable navigating this in the presence of a trained professional, reach out. We’re here to help.