Resentment killed the cat…curiosity saved it

I frequently have clients who can’t seem to avoid resentment toward their partner when faced with an important “either-or” life decision. They report feeling compelled to go along with a decision their partner made for fear of losing the relationship, or because it just made more sense to do it their partner’s way. Now they feel angry and bitter and don’t know what to do. Here’s a classic example:

A husband and wife live in a city that they love with family and friends nearby. The wife gets offered her dream job, but it requires them moving halfway across the country. The husband is reluctant but ultimately agrees that it makes the most sense financially. A year into the move, they show up in couples therapy. He says he felt steamrolled into moving here. He feels depressed and faults her for isolating him. She says they talked about this, mutually deciding that moving made the most sense. So what went wrong?

The problem is that they didn’t each come to the table, pen and paper in hand, and think, “How can we approach this in the best way possible for each of us? How can we be curious about one another’s desires and motivations? How can we find a solution that will most likely address both of our needs in this complex situation?”

Often, couples feel that, because a certain decision makes the most sense financially or professionally, they must go along with it. They wonder what the point is in discussing something over and over when the conclusion is inevitable. This is the sort of approach that leads to resentment and even contempt down the line. So here’s a different way to approach these situations:

1. Express care and curiosity.

Just because a certain outcome seems inevitable doesn’t mean you don’t talk it through. If you’re the one who is more likely to benefit from a certain decision, try saying something like this to your partner: “I know this isn’t an ideal situation for you, and I really appreciate your willingness even to consider this. What are your fears about this decision? What can we do that would make this better for you? I’m committed to figuring this out together.”

2. Don’t assume there’s only one answer. 

Creativity is your friend here. I’ve seen couples find truly innovative compromises by talking to friends, reading up on the topic at hand, or just simply brainstorming. For example, Jacob and Judy bought a fixer-upper, and Jacob, a carpenter, wanted to renovate it himself. Judy agreed that this made the most sense financially, and she was happy Jacob was so excited about the project. However, after many months of hard work with a kitchen that was still only semi-functional and with no end in sight, Judy hit her limit. She started feeling angry at Jacob, even though this was something they had decided together. So they thought about it for a while and devised a workable idea. Judy would temporarily live with her sister until the house was in better shape. Jacob would ask a few friends to help with the renovations so things would progress more quickly. Although it was a challenging year, once the house was finished, they weren’t tearing each other to bits. In fact, Jacob developed a new-found appreciation for Judy’s flexibility and independence. In turn, Judy was reminded of Jacob’s incredible talent and hard work ethic. In this way, they grew closer and felt more confident in the strength of their relationship.

3. Self-advocate.

If you choose to stay silent now, you forfeit the right to point fingers later. (Well, pointing fingers is never a good idea, but you especially don’t get to do it if you didn’t speak up in the first place.)

Sometimes, a partner will say to me, “What’s the point in saying how I feel? I know it doesn’t make sense for our family to do what I want here.” To this I reply, “Sharing how you feel is beneficial in and of itself. If you don’t give yourself the opportunity to be at least listened to, you’re bound to feel resentful down the line.”

Instead of silence, try saying something like this: “I know that moving is what’s best for us as a family, but I really wish we didn’t have to do this. I’d like to keep talking about this to see if there’s anything we can do to find a compromise. Even if we can’t, it will mean a lot to me that we tried.”

No doubt, all of these steps are easier said than done. Resentment is not easy to dissolve or prevent, but with training and practice, we can learn to handle these sorts of complex situations in relationally intelligent ways. If you feel stuck in gridlock or steeped in resentment, reach out. We’ll help you find your curiosity and save your cat. Meow.