We’ll start Module 2 by getting clear on core values and strategies for walking the talk. Who do you want to be, not just at your best but at your worst? You’ll learn how to simultaneously shoot for better and give yourself permission to be human and muck up –mastering the art of embodying accountability and compassion with both yourself and with your partner.

Next, we’ll call a truce. Why a truce? Because while your relationship is in limbo or crisis, making never-ending permanent agreements often makes things worse. What you need is a set of temporary agreements that allow you to cool things down, buy some time, and build skills, then you can tackle the big decisions.

Finally, you’ll roll up your sleeves, commit to implementing your knowledge into action, and lay down your weapons of blame. You’ll be free to focus on what you can control versus what you can’t, and as a result, lay the groundwork for influencing your partner and your life in ways you never imagined.

Highlights:

• Lay the foundation for getting more of what you want in your relationship and less of what you don’t want by creating a mutual and positive feedback loop instead of the gridlocked conversations that leave you depleted, hopeless, and lacking trust.
• Cultivate courage and dare to change. Your newfound knowledge and clarity will have you taking calculated risks and trying new things. Love must grow or die, and for relationships to grow (particularly during challenging times), we must cultivate new practices intentionally –by bringing our best selves to our worst stuff.
• Get your comprehensive map to guide you through heartache and provide much-needed support where you’ve previously felt alone. Heartache is a natural byproduct of love, of life. It’s there in all relationships. What makes heartache worthwhile (and tolerable) is connection –to self, our partner, and humanity. This terrain has been well-traveled; no need to go it solo –I’ll be with you every step of the way.

In this module, you’ll get on the fast-track for calming chaos and minimize your vulnerabilities to being hijacked by fight-or-flight reactivity. You’ll learn concrete, evidence-informed tools that will have you calming yourself AND your upset partner. You’ll get skilled at choosing the when and how of your battles. And as a result, minimize the likelihood of misunderstandings and fights to seemingly erupt out of nowhere.

We will cover common core differences that couples navigate. Over time, when we don’t understand our differences, we experience amplified distress, misperceptions, and long-term damage to connection, trust, and friendship. A little knowledge can go a long way in mitigating injuries and healing wounds caused by these differences.

Most importantly, you will learn to lead with relief. How to bring calm to conflict. How to take breaks effectively and (important) how to get back in the arena and do it right.

Highlights:

• Discover the most effective ways to calm yourself when it counts –when you’re hijacked by rage, despair, fear, shame, or shutdown.
• Discover the most effective ways to calm your partner when it counts –where previously you felt ineffective, like nothing you do matters like it’s “never good enough.”
• Create a blueprint of your relationships’ physiological strengths and struggles. Identify where you are most likely to miss each other’s signals, the ways you alarm each other, and communicate threat (often unknowingly). Anticipate how this sets you up to falter on your agreements and commitments –to fall into the same old traps.
• Become a Master-Regulator. Being able to handle difficult feelings (in yourself or your partner) ultimately sets you up for success. You’ll be able to navigate conflict and uncertainty with confidence –setting the stage for successful relationships with family, friends, and even colleagues –healthy relationships really do change the world.

In fact, you likely already have many of the necessary skills you’ll need to radically improve your present situation; you just don’t know how to harness them. For example, most of us can pluck a string, but it does not mean we can play the guitar. To play the guitar, we need to pick up the instrument daily, master a basic repertoire of notes and chords, build up a little tolerance to making mediocre music and break songs down into small and learnable bits. It’s the same with communication skills.

Highlights:

• Learn from the masters. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. The research of John Gottman and Brene Brown gives us a map. The tools from Stan Tatkin and Brent Atkinson enhance it. When we follow their lead, the destination it promises to take us to is nothing short of awe-inspiring.
• Become influential where previously you were ineffective. When faced with upset, most of us tend to either not stand up for ourselves adequately (and walk around silently seething) OR stand up for ourselves in excess (and blow things up). We don’t realize there is a sweet spot where conflict is win-win; here’s where I will teach you how to walk the delicate balance between exerting influence and accepting influence.
• Set boundaries skillfully. Knowing how to stand up for yourself is no small feat; I would even argue it’s a superpower, and like all superpowers, it takes time to master. What we know from the research is that the most boundaried people are also the most compassionate. You can be soft and strong, flexible and boundaried.
• Master the critical art of Repair. Here’s the deal, Gottman’s Masters of Marriage often fight as much as the Disasters, but what makes them stand out and thrive is they know how to make up. They are skilled and versed in a range of techniques that allow them to not only tend to bumps and ruptures but heal them.
• Stop drawing invisible lines in the sand. You’ll learn how to honor core promises and values you’ve identified for yourself. How to not do business as usual and throw your heart under the bus when faced with a partner who chronically betrays, breaks agreements, and does not accept influence from you.

The Six Detours is a brand new module in C2C. It addresses what I believe is a critical gap (and need) in the field of couples therapy —to support you with the vulnerabilities and challenges inherent in the detours. Such difficulties are hard enough on their own and amplified further due to the stressors COVID19 has placed on many.

The detours often go untreated. Did you know that many couples therapists will screen you out if untreated addiction, mental illness, or an unresolved affair is present in your relationship? I believe that all couples need support, especially couples with the detours. So if you fall in this camp, know I’ve got your back, that I understand the detours are the very reason you need help, and that I’ve built resources to support you regardless of if your partner is on board.

In Module 5, you will learn how to identify which detours are impacting your relationship and gain access to essential assessment tools and resources to facilitate healing individually and as a couple. Because the thing about detours is they complicate love; Like smoke, they obscure what’s possible and who you are as a couple once the smoke clears. They erode friendship and damage trust, and pretty soon, you forget why you fell in love, and you wonder if healing is possible.

Highlights:

• Identify which problems are yours to own and which are your partners and understand what to do with these insights so you can move forward and end gridlock.
• Free yourself from the role of fixer and one-directional dynamics characteristic of relationships lacking in mutuality. Build on ways to be clear and kind to support your relationship so that you have the best shot at healing.
• Gain clarity on what has dogged you forever, the problems you bring into the relationship, and that will (likely) follow you if you do not address them and decide to leave.
• Learn how to be accountable and compassionate with yourself if you are struggling with a detour. For your relationship to heal, it’s essential to not collapse into a “shame-storm,” to learn how to be 100% responsible for your actions and simultaneously be kind to yourself.
• Clarify what your bottom line is and how to handle situations when that line gets crossed. Learn how to trust your partner to “handle it” and venture into unchartered waters that previously terrified you.

The vast majority of us think of infidelity when we contemplate betrayals that damage trust in a marriage. But the reality is there are many ways you can break trust and cause lasting damage to your relationship. Some injuries result from frequent and tiny wounds (think death by a thousand cuts), and others are a massive blow. Either way, when left unrepaired, the damage accrues, and your relationship becomes infected. Ultimately, these unresolved issues reach a tipping point, and your relationship goes into a full-blown crisis.

In Healing From Betrayals, we will take a deep dive into what exactly constitutes a betrayal, and of equal importance, we will explore how to heal these past hurts. I’ve seen again and again well-intentioned people make earnest attempts at repair only to have their partner continue to feel hurt and angry. Most of the time, these repairs fail not for lack of love but lack of know-how.

In Module 6, I’m going to teach you everything I know about how to clean out old wounds, prevent the likelihood of future recurrence, and rebuild trust so that your relationship has a solid foundation to build on.

Highlights:

Learn what constitutes a betrayal. We will go over the big ones and the small ones. We will examine what sets the stage for betrayals to occur, exploring core vulnerabilities in your relationships that led to the likelihood of your trust eroding.

Next, we’ll go step-by-step through the three phases that must happen for healing from betrayal to occur. I’m not going to lie; this process is essential (and challenging). Whether you are the person who caused the hurt or the one on the receiving end, you are bound to feel a mix of emotions: Angry, defensive, hopeless, numb. There is grief mixed up in healing a marriage. Grief for the couple you were. Grief for the dreams you fear you’ve lost. Being able to recognize this grief and accept it is the first step towards healing.

Rethink your definition of what makes love last. No relationship class would be complete without challenging the damaging stereotypes and myths that abound in our society regarding love. If you are going to heal your heart, it’s essential to consider if your beliefs and ideas about relationships help love or hurt it.

This module’s beauty is that even if you have a partner who does not participate in Crisis to Connected™ with you, you will still learn, grow, and become more skillful. You will get to write the story of your life –past, present, and future. You will be empowered, have clarity, and find peace previously not possible.

Highlights:

• • Starting with the sweet stuff, you’ll discover research-backed tools for keeping your love alive, enhancing play and novelty, and (important) how to maintain a strong positive connection that endures even when life gets bumpy.
  • Create a shared contract by hashing out the basic rules to govern your relationship in the days and years to come. For relationships to thrive, they must be fair and just. They must emphasize mutuality. Equally important, your core agreements must be upheld by both of you because when one person deviates from your contract, the guiding principles do not genuinely exist.
  • Create a contract with yourself. I understand how important love is. When we fear losing it or potentially never finding it (again), we are vulnerable to breaking promises to ourselves and striking a deal with the devil. If you’ve done Crisis to Connected™ solo, chances are you’ve walked this path. Going forward, it’s essential to make a contract with yourself, one that ensures you hold to your core values, bring your best, and never let fear override healthy choices and self-care.
  • Finally, you will craft a radically different story than the one you began Crisis to Connected™ with. This is a story that frees you (and your partner) from the role of persecutor, victim, or rescuer. It’s a narrative that incorporates the whole of your history and memories, that is disengaged from blame and emphasizes insight and accountability.This is a story laced with meaning and generosity, that dissolves resentment and nurtures love. It will be the story you tell your children and your grandchildren, and as such, it will benefit generations to come.